Welcome to our new Monday column by the entirely self-taught left wing intellectual and eco-warrior, Kevin Marx. Before you read his first offering we provide a bit of a bio below.
Born into grinding poverty in the north of England he left school with no qualifications and went to prison. Whilst doing time he taught himself to read and determined to make something of his life. After his release he committed a burglary and went back to prison.
He is co-habiting with Sharon, his childhood sweetheart, and together they raise their ten children (except for the the two youngest who are currently in care) in a six bedroom council house overlooking the river Thames in Westminster. He is unable to work as the level of benefits he receives makes it economically unviable, but is determined to do at least one honest days’ work before he retires.
Here is what some of todays leading figures in public life say about him:
“His greatest strength is his honesty – he would no sooner tell a lie than I would.” Tony Blair.
“When I want to know the views of working class Britain I always turn to Kevin. When I start to build my “One Nation” society Kevin Marx will be the first name on the teamsheet.” Ed Milliband.
“He is the voice of a lost generation and the source of most of my facts about climate change.” George Monbiot.
“A great bloke to have a pint with. He does a fantastic impersonation of a cat.” George Galloway.
“A lazy good for nothing bastard who single-handedly sums up what is wrong with Britain today.” James Delingpole.
Let’s face it – we live in a fascist state. Everywhere you look there are fascists. The Tory party; the police; the church; climate change deniers – we are surrounded by fascists. Practically the only people in public life who we can trust are those three wise men, Ed Milliband, George Galloway and George Monbiot – three of our own!
For a very long time, because of our human rights record, we were the laughing stock of Europe. But then, thanks to that great socialist visionary Tony Blair (one of our own,) we finally signed up to the European Human Rights Act. Not before time! What this country needed to expunge a thousand years of human rights’ abuses was a Human Rights Act drafted by Germany – now there’s a country that knows a thing or two about human rights, and animal rights for that matter. In Britain the struggle for animal rights goes on, but forward thinking Germany banned experimenting on animals in 1933.
The only problem with the Human Rights Act is that it doesn’t go far enough – not from a socialist perspective. For sure, we now have the right to housing; the right to education; the right to a fair trial, etc, etc, but what about those other basic human rights that the act is silent on? I’ve been corresponding on the matter with Ed Milliband (a working class boy – just like me – he went to an inner city comprehensive school) and he’s broadly in agreement that the act needs revising to include the four additional basic human rights set out below.
1 – The right to nutritious food: At the moment I find it difficult on my jobseekers allowance to afford nutritious food. You know what I’m talking about; Greggs’ sausage rolls; McDonalds; Subways; Pop Tarts and Pot Noodles. I get my dole on a Thursday, and after I’ve treated myself to a large Big Mac Meal and a few cans of Stella I’ve already spent most of my week’s money. Like the NHS nutritious food should be free to those most in need of it. The easiest way to police this is to make it available from the doctor on prescription. If I, and the millions of others like me, could visit the doctor on a Wednesday and be prescribed four Greggs’ sausage rolls or a foot long Subway Sub our quality of life would be improved immeasurably. But will Cameron implement such a policy? No – he’s too busy giving tax cuts to millionaires.
2 – The right to lottery tickets and scratchcards: Society at the moment isn’t fair. The rich get richer and the poor get poorer. I want a fairer society and one way to make it fair is to give people on benefits free lottery tickets, particularly for the Euromillions, so that we can have a chance to win the jackpot and buy a castle, a yacht and a Ferrari.
3 – The right to a decent mobile phone: A recent survey concluded that in the UK 80% of the best mobile phones are owned by 20% of society. Most people on benefits are forced to use inferior pay as you go phones. I propose, in the interests of fairness, that people on jobseekers allowance be given free I-phone 5’s along with their dole money so that they don’t have to feel like second class citizens when they’re texting their mates to arrange to meet down the pub at lunchtime.
4 – The right to Sky: the poorest members of society are often restricted to the basic Sky package. Many of my friends, like me, wake up around lunchtime only to find there’s nothing worth watching on TV. Most of us don’t even have Sky + so we can’t record Jeremy Kyle, which is on too early for us to watch live. People on benefits need daytime TV. It’s alright for rich people – they’re at work during the day – but what are the rest of us meant to do? I woke up at lunchtime on Sunday. Manchester United were playing Chelsea live on Sky Sports 1. But I only had the basic package – so I had to listen to the match on Radio 5 live. Is this fair I ask you? If anything it’s worse in the evening. Whilst rich people can afford to subscribe to as many porn channels as they like poor people like me are restricted to the ten minute freeview at midnight. We’d be lucky if we saw a pair of tits, let alone a tasteful glimpse of vag’.
I’ve sent a letter about the above additional human rights to Ed Milliband and he’s seriously thinking about incorporating them into his “One Nation” manifesto. I’ve also written to George Galloway and am hoping to get him interested on the policy of free Sky porn for all. As for George Monbiot, I didn’t have to write to him. I bumped into him, as I often do, in Greggs (he was buying some sausage rolls and custard tarts) and he agreed to back my proposals to amend the Human Rights Act as long as I backed his plans to abolish global warming – which I readily agreed to . I’ll explain why next Monday.