Happy Christmas to you all – not that it’s going to be a happy one for the Marx family. There’ll be no presents and no Christmas dinner for the kids this year thanks to George posh-boy Osborne.
Osborne is not one of our own. Heir to a Baronetcy and the Osborne and Little posh wallpaper company you can understand why the main thrust of his economic reforms is tax cuts for millionaires. He has paid for these tax cuts by slashing public spending on benefits – thus ruining Christmas for millions of poor children.
And not only is he ruining the childrens’ Christmas – he’s ruining theirs and the planet’s future by his support for the environmentally unfriendly practice of fracking.
He needs replacing, immediately, with Ed Balls (one of our own – although his dad owns his own zoo and he was born in Tory Norwich, Ed moved to the midlands industrial city of Nottingham and developed the beautiful northern accent he uses to destroy Osborne across the dispatch box.) Ed Balls is an economic genius. When he was economic advisor to Gordon Brown he came up with what has to be the most successful economic policy ever adopted in this or any other country. And we have Labour and Ed Balls to thank for it.
Based on George Monbiot’s undisputable theory that people on benefits are more profligate with their money you take three million people in work and put them on the dole. You then increase their benefits, sit back and watch your economy grow. Ah – say the cynics – but what about the three million jobs that nobody is doing anymore? And that’s where Ed’s genius comes to the fore. You sign up to the EU freedom of movement charter and bring in three million Eastern Europeans to do the jobs.
Everyone’s a winner! The Eastern Europeans are happy because they start a new life in a prosperous country; the three million out of work Brits are happy because they get to sleep in late and watch Jeremy Kyle; and the country is happy because our economy grows faster than China’s.
Osborne knows that increased spending on benefits is the key to economic success. He knows it will alleviate poverty for deserving unemployed families and bring joy to millions of children this Christmas. But he doesn’t care, because, as Harriet Harman never tires of pointing out, Cameron and Osborne can’t relate to ordinary people because they are posh Tory boys – born into privilege. And Harriet is one of our own. Somebody, (most people think it was David Cameron himself,) hacked into her Wikipedia account and made up foul lies about her. Wikipedia claims that our Harriet is the niece of the Countess of Longford and that her mum is a rich solicitor and her dad a Harley Street Surgeon. It even says she went to that posh public school – St Pauls. Rubbish. Harriet was born in Hull and raised in a single parent family. She never met her dad (her mum only met him once.) Her mum worked in a Launderette by day and as a waitress in Hooters by night to make sure Harriet always had Pop Tarts for breakfast and a McDonalds Happy Meal for supper to complement her free school meals.
Harriet is an entirely self-made woman, having pulled herself up by her own bootstraps. I’m sure nobody would dispute that coming from such humble origins gives her the right to criticise Cameron and Osborne for being posh and born into privilege.
In terms of economic genius Harriet is not far behind Ed. I heard her being interviewed on Radio 4’s the Today Programme last week. John Humphrys (not one of our own – his dad was a posh French polisher and his mother owned a hairdressing salon and he went to a posh high school in Cardiff) was going for her throat – which he always does with socialists – and asking her tough questions about Labour’s economic policy.
“So how would Labour get the economy kick-started?” he grilled her.
“We’d treble public spending on benefits, pensions, and subsidies for wind farms,” she replied.
“And how would you pay for all this,” he pressed her, “would you print more money or borrow on the international markets?”
“Neither,” said Harriet, “if we did that we would risk Britain’s credit rating being downgraded from its current AAA status.”
“So where would you get the money?” Humphrys was relentless.
“Ed Balls has already negotiated a twenty billion pound loan with a company called Pay Day Loans,” she replied.
“Pay Day Loans? But aren’t their interest rates about 10,000%?”
“Yes,” Harriet replied calmly, “but you can roll over your payments for up to six months, and then we have arranged to borrow more money from two other companies – Quick Quid and Wonga.com – to pay the interest payments.”
“But this is lunacy,” the partisan broadcaster scoffed, “eventually you’ll run out of loan sharks to borrow money from and the whole economy will collapse.”
“We’ve thought about that,” Harriet informed him, “Ed has done the sums and, according to him, we could keep it going until the next election, which we’d be bound to lose. Then we could leave the entire mess to the Tories and blame them for it, just like we did in 1979 and 2010.”
“But what if Ed’s wrong and you can’t keep it going until the next election. Do you have a plan B?”
“We do,” said Harriet, “we declare Britain bankrupt, join the Euro and ask Germany for a bailout.”
In an ideal world Harriet would marry Ed Balls and the two of them could run the country together. With their unique combination of ideology and intellect, they’d soon get Britain back on its feet. Harriet could concentrate on higher taxes for the rich to pay for increased benefits and Ed could put more Brits out of work and bring in more Eastern Europeans to do the jobs.
As for global warming Ed has plans to make that his number one priority. I bumped into him last week in Spearmint Rhino and he told me that Cameron and Osborne actually want to see global warming, so that they can stop paying the winter fuel allowance to pensioners.
“That’s why they support fracking,” he explained, “so that they can burn billions of tons of carbon and raise global temperatures by ten degrees.”
“But won’t fracking provide 331 trillion square metres of much needed gas?” I played devil’s advocate.
“Yes,” he replied, “but 331 trillion wind turbines would produce the same amount of energy, and not harm the planet!”
“So Ed,” I asked him, transfixed by the power of his mind, “what is your vision for a future Labour run, one nation, Britain?”
“I have a dream,” he said, “that one day every city, town and village in Britain will have its own wind farm and a branch of Greggs staffed entirely by Eastern Europeans – oh yes, I have a dream today.”
Don’t we all?