Marx on Monday – We need the EU and its bent banana laws

Is there a more odious, fascist, climate change denying, dangerous and destructive monster in Britain today than the leader of UKIP Nigel Farage?

His continuous assault on Britain’s membership of the European Union puts our economy, culture and legal system at risk. Most people in this country, including me, are overwhelmingly in favour of our continued membership of the EU and it’s about time someone (ie: me) took Farage and his so-called political party to task on the rubbish they spout.

First immigration. No-one can deny that Britain has benefited massively from an influx of foreign labour – be it Chinese cockle pickers in Morecambe Bay (cockles have never been so cheap!) or the millions of Poles and other Eastern Europeans who have picked Britain as their chosen destination since the European Free Movement provisions came in. Most working class Brits were being forced to do low paid and, frankly, unpleasant jobs until the Poles arrived. Now we are free to catch up on our sleep and daytime TV whilst the Poles clean the streets and the Chinese pick cockles. And thanks to the tax that our newly arrived workforce pays the government can afford to pay the newly unemployed Brits the benefits they so richly deserve. But there is still work to be done. Many low paid jobs are still being performed by working class Brits. I for one am looking forward to the coming influx of millions of Romanian and Bulgarian gypsies when the European Free Movement provisions extend to them later this year. Not only will they help us get our economy back on its feet they’ll also enrich our culture.

I heard Home Secretary Theresa May being interviewed about it on Radio 4 by that fascist John Humphries last week.

“So,” began Humphries, “how may Romanian immigrants are you expecting to come to Britain later this year?”

“We’re not absolutely sure,” May replied, “but we think it might be around 21,390,000.”

“But isn’t that the entire population of Romania?” said Humphries.

“Well what do you expect?”May replied, “the minimum welfare benefit payment in Britain is more than the Romanian Prime Minister’s salary.”

“But if all 21,390,000 come,” said Humphries, “won’t that put a massive strain on our housing infrastructure?”

“No,” Hodge replied, “because we expect most of them to bring their own caravan.”

Next the economy. Farage constantly bleats on about how being a member of the EU costs us £50 million a day in subscriptions and that we import far more from the EU than they do from us. And he’s always banging on about how Switzerland have a limited membership of the EU which costs them only £6 million a day and yet the EU imports three times as much from Switzerland as it does from us. But, typically, Farage ignores the economic benefits we get from our EU membership. The official EU website shows that in the fourteen year period between 1992 (when the single market was introduced) and 2006 our GDP grew, entirely as a result of our EU membership, by £25 billion, whereas our contributions to the EU during that time were a meager £260 billion. It’s figures like these that Farage doesn’t want us to see!

Now law and order. In 1599 Shakespeare penned the immortal line: “ The First thing we do. Let’s kill all the lawyers.” Now – thanks to the EU – we can! European lawyers are doing all our law for us. Since we joined we have been obliged to adopt 170,000 pages of EU laws and regulations. Thanks to these laws Britain is now safe from curved cucumbers and excessively bent bananas.

Another EU law banned the dangerous and scandalous practice of children under 8 blowing up balloons without adult supervision.

Although many Europeans (particularly the French and those who shop in Tesco) eat horse meat it is now illegal under EU law to eat your own horse if it is a pet.

I bumped into EU Commission President Jose Manuel Barroso in the Shepherds Bush Market recently, when he was checking that the bananas on sale there weren’t illegally bendy.

“So Jose,” I asked him, “are the EU Commission laws all necessary?”

“Si,” he replied.

“All 170,000 of them?”

“Si.”

“What about the one about children blowing up balloons unsupervised?” I asked.

“Especially that one,” he replied, “every year in Europe around 40,000 children under the age of 8 are killed or seriously injured as a result of blowing up balloons unsupervised.”

“Well I’ve never heard of it in Britain,” I confess I was a little incredulous.

“Britain has a strong track record of compliance with Health and Safety,” Jose replied, “I was here in 1977 for the Top of the Pops Christmas Special, and many small children were supposed to be blowing up balloons unsupervised for use on the set, but I was delighted that the BBC took the responsible step of making sure the children were supervised by three volunteers, Jimmy Saville, Michael Jackson and Gary Glitter, thus ensuring the children’s safety.”

“So what law are you working on at the moment?” I swiftly moved on.

“A new law is coming into force this year to reduce the death toll on the roads,” said Jose, “from September 2013 a new EU law which is binding on the UK will ban all 2.8 million people diagnosed with diabetes in the UK from driving a car.”

Without the EU legislature being hard at work we would have had none of these laws.

And it’s not just domestic laws we get from the EU. There’s also the Human Rights Act. Prior to joining the EU Britain’s human rights were only protected by the 1215 Magna Carta and a thousand years of evolved liberal constitutional conventions. Now, thank goodness we have an act drafted by Germany which guarantees human rights to all of our citizens. In 2004 Britain arrested the muslim cleric Abu Hamza on behalf of the USA on charges of hostage taking, running an Al Quada training camp and organizing a holy war against Christians. If it weren’t for the European Human Rights Act he would have been extradited to America the next day but, thanks to European human rights legislation it took the British Government eight years and a bill for the UK taxpayer of £2.75 million before he was finally deported. Another example of the stunning success of the European Human Rights Act is the case of Abu Qatada. Abu Qatada is the spiritual guide of the 9/11 terrorists and is wanted for terrorism and murder in Jordan. He was arrested in the UK in 2002 and ordered to be deported by the UK government in 2012 after a ten year battle costing the UK taxpayers millions of pounds. But the European Court of Human Rights intervened and ruled he could not be deported so, thanks to our being members of the EU, he continues to live with his family on benefits which, to date, have cost the UK taxpayer, £3 million. Without the European Human Rights Act these two men, and hundreds like them, would have long since been deported, but, typically, Farage is silent on these clear successes of our EU membership.

So, apart from benefitting from economic membership of the EU, from its 170,000 laws, from its Human Rights Act and from the impending arrival of up to 21,390,000 Romanian gypsies, Britain also benefits massively from European science.  The EU employs a small army of taxpayer funded scientists grappling with the great questions of the day and, at the tiny cost of only £65 billion (which is the EU science budget,) they have exposed many myths which have been long put about by the likes of Nigel Farage and his climate change denying puppet James Delingpole.

If it weren’t for the expenditure of this £65 billion European scientists would never have uncovered the following three facts.

1)    Climate change is man-made and can only be stopped by more wind farms.

2)    Prunes are not a laxative and it is illegal under EU law to claim that they are.

3)    After a five year study funded by the taxpayer and costing £30 million European scientists found no evidence to suggest that drinking water rehydrates you and it is now, under EU law, illegal for companies like Evian, Perrier and Highland Spring to advertise that drinking water is a cure for thirst.

I bumped into George Monbiot in Poundland last week and asked him about the last of these three facts.

“I know it sounds a bit daft Kevin,” he said, “but the scientific community are 100% agreed that there is no link between drinking water and rehydration, so it’s now an undeniable fact.”

“But Nigel Farage says it’s rubbish,” I replied.

“Well I’m afraid that makes Farage a water non-rehydration denier,” said George, “which is as bad as being a holocaust denier.”

“Isn’t that illegal?” I asked.

“Sadly not yet,” George replied, “but the EU are expected to pass a new law later this year making water non-rehydration denial a criminal offence, with a minimum sentence of two years in prison.”

The only valid point made by Farage is about EU corruption, with EU President Jose Manuel Barrosso spending a week on Greek shipping magnate Spiro Latsis’s yacht after the EU approved an EU loan of 10.3 million Euros to Latsis’s shipping company. But Britain soon redressed the balance by appointing Peter Mandelson to the EU commission and, true to form, he soon got his snout in the trough – bagging an all expenses holiday to Jamaica from an undisclosed source and a holiday on the yacht of a Russian aluminium magnate in return for passing two EU laws to cut aluminium tariffs.

In the famous Monty Python film “The Life of Brian” John Cleese asks “what have the Romans ever done for us?” He received a long list of Roman achievements and was reduced to responding:  “But apart from the sanitation, the medicine, education, viniculture, public order, irrigation, roads, the fresh-water system, and public health, what have the Romans ever done for us? “

Nigel Farage could take the place of John Cleese in modern Britain when he asks, “what have the EU ever done for us?” He could take a look at the long list of achievements I have set out above and then be forced to respond, like Cleese: “But apart from a £235 billion trade deficit, millions of economic migrants, 170,000 laws and £65 billion pounds worth of science establishing that there is a link between burning carbon and global warming and no link between drinking water and rehydration, what has the EU ever done for us?”

And we receive all this for the bargain cost of just £18 ¼ billion a year!

So, come on Farage, for the sake of our children start telling the truth about Europe and stop claiming that drinking water aids rehydration, and make sure that – if the children are under 8 – they don’t blow up balloons without adult supervision.

  • Shamash

    You are an example to us all. Well said. I have a new hero to follow.

  • Shamash

    Farridge just wants everyone to have a job. Does he think we are stupid? Thank a non specific imaginary super being those days are gone.

  • Chris

    The only party which is serious about controlling immigration and the laws of the land, is UKIP.

    Tory, Labour and LibDems are the same party whith different colours.

    Who in their right mind, gives £12 billion a year in overseas aid, while we borrow £120 billion a year from the markets and sack 20,000 soldiers?

    Answer: People who have never had a proper job in their lives and were born with the silver spoon in their mouthes.

  • JCM

    Brilliant, who does farage chap think he is, he’s elected, meaning he lacks the neccisary freedom to carry out the measures to create the New EU State.

  • DougS

    What a fool I’ve been, listening to that smoothie Farage!

    Thank you so much for correcting all those misapprehensions that I had about the EU, I feel that a veil has been lifted. I now love the EU and will have to reconsider my membership of UKIP.

    If only I’d realised how many innocent children had suffered serious injuries, and worse, at the hands of evil balloon proponents – it’s a disgrace.

    Thank you EU!