Because I’m so modern, diverse, progressive and all that, I read something written by a woman over the weekend. I was really only killing time before the match came on, and obviously I wasn’t expecting the article to make any sense, but actually it was almost as good as if a man had wrote it.
Anyway this woman – I can’t remember what she was called, but she was a very pretty girl – was going on about taxis and something German. Now, don’t get me started on the Germans, but the thing is, this nazi app might be putting London cabbies on the scrapheap.
Turns out, anyone with a car (and who, among other things, can pass a test on topography, has no criminal record, a “clean” driving license; and can pay the application fee of £250, the CRB online application of £56.85/CRB paper application of £58.85, the Post Office Check and Send of £7.15, plus the cost of a Medical [payable to your GP, prices vary]; and who is prepared to carry guide, hearing and other assistance dogs accompanying disabled people without any additional charge; and who is willing to provide physical assistance to passengers in wheelchairs without any additional charge; and whose vehicle is no older than 5 years and meets the Euro 4 standards for emissions at time of licensing; and who can afford the vehicle licensing application fee of £65, plus the “grant of licence” fee which is £35; and who is willing to do all this annually; and who can afford the cost of car insurance, car tax, and the tax on fuel) can drive people about for money. It’s just that easy!
The problems with letting non-members of the London Cabbies Guild take members of the public from A to B are legion. For a start, what if they don’t know their way about? These new nazi drivers don’t have to do “The Knowledge”, do they? Admittedly, neither do the drivers for other independent taxi firms, and there are such things as satnavs nowadays, and it’s clearly in the best interest of the driver to have a good idea of the local layout. But who is to say these nazi cabbies will know where they’re going? There’ll be chaos in the streets unless government acts now, probably, with cabs just going round and round in circles for hours on end, and charging people a fortune for the privilege, I reckon.
Another problem raised by the lovely girl relates to safety. She had a bad experience with a taxi driver in Las Vegas once. While the cabbie was taking her back to her hotel he said some nasty things about Africans, and he also took the “back way” rather than taking the main, well-lit streets. This was all – quite understandably – very worrying and very upsetting for her, as a woman travelling alone at night in an unfamiliar city. Admittedly the cabbie had his “medallion”, was licensed and regulated by both Clark County and the State of Nevada as all taxi drivers in Las Vegas must be, and this still didn’t stop him from saying horrible things or taking an unorthodox route. But these new nazi cabbies will probably be much more racist, and take far more unorthodox routes, I reckon. After all, they’re nazis.
But surely the most concerning issue of all is lycanthropy. Poor people, as everyone knows, are more than forty times as likely to be werewolves than the better off. At present the costs are still high enough to stop a large proportion of the poor from picking people up and dropping them off to earn a few quid. But if this new nazi cab stuff gets going that might change. So ask yourself this: Do I really want to be trapped in a car with an unlicensed, unregulated werewolf who wants to eat me alive? No? Then say ‘no’ to this new thing. Support the London Cabbies Guild!
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